Tuesday, October 7, 2014

God knows the heart (effects of prayer)

I like to think I am easy going, that I can "roll with the punches". It pleases me to have the privilege of serving. That is how I like to think of myself, but YHVH knows my heart.

Farmers Market in Everett, Washington

Tishri 13, at morning light, and I am in my chair, keeping my commitment to start my day with prayer. Only two days past Yom Kippur and already I find my joy fleeting. Extra work was dropped in my lap yesterday afternoon. Work I knew would be coming to me today, not yesterday. Work that I thought I was very clear about not doing until today. I felt an irritation in my heart that quickly worked itself into a bitterness. In asking for prayer, I polluted another teacher with my bitterness (trying to pretend you are ok is far worse then saying up front, "I am angry about this.") I polluted a second teacher who wanted to help me with the extra load AND instruct me on the use of the word, "NO". A student thought I was mad at her for needing help. My husband had to hear about it when I came home.

Honestly, I am pleased that the person I am covering for got to go to a conference with friends. I just did not want it her way but mine. I wanted to be able to minister to her by letting her feel free to go... in my time.

So I enter my time of prayer with a clenched jaw.

Psalm 13 was my passage this morning. David (in my head) is whining to God. "How long.... will you forget me forever?" "How long... will you hide your face from me?" How long... am I on my own" (take counsel in my soul) How long...will the enemy be exalted over me (she is not my enemy!). David prays for enlightenment, then the page is turned.

Verse 5 I have trusted (baaTach--safe refuge) in Thy loving kindness (checed--grace). My heart shall rejoice in Y'shua (salvation).

At some time in the past, I wrote in the margin, Romans 8: 37-39; 1 John 4:16; John 13:1 and 15:13.

Take a moment to read them for yourself. They spoke to me of the love of God, of Him knowing the secrets of my heart and that nothing could separate me from His love for me in Y'shua. They spoke of being able to love because I am loved.

There is also a warning.
If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 John 4 20
I have some spiritual clean up to do before bitterness spreads to those I wounded with my own bitterness. God be merciful to the beloved people I polluted and give me grace to make it right.

1 comment:

  1. I was blessed by your frankness. And can relate to your story.